Everything

Cracking

2010-01-08T18:47:00.000-08:00

I can feel myself cracking. Fill in these gaps with as many chemicals as possible, before I float away. No time for knitting, no time for anything. Just time to sit in solitude, slowly drowning in self-pity and destruction.

Blew up

2010-01-05T13:54:00.000-08:00

I feel myself breaking and am trying like Hell not to break.

I did not know I even wanted to get married and have a kid. Not today at least. But when Matt said "I will never marry" a part of me just curled up and died. Everything I have put into four years and there is not even a remote possibility of being actually committed? My heart has a giant hole. I want to know I'm loved, and so far I don't. Marriage or not, there a million ways to show love. If I had honestly known he loved me, well then we wouldn't be here.

My mind is fuzzy and half psychotic. No matter what I have to keep going forward. I just hope I can remember that, because it is already getting hard to do.

Life is not a spectator sport (Grey's Anatomy)

2009-11-28T17:08:00.000-08:00

I have been told by everyone I know that I do too much. My retort was, "I like doing too much," but I have learned a few things. When you are forced to do nothing and have to repeatedly go to the hospital you learn to let go of the idea of perfection. I had my appendix out and then just kept getting sick after the surgery. Plus I had severe dehydration and which made it impossible to pretty much function. I have never fought so hard with my own body, trying to keep in fluids to stay out of the hospital. Plus I had to watch everything else fade into a fuzzy mess. School is delayed and I won't be cranking out A's this semester. I can't say I'm not bummed, but at least life goes on and I can retake a few classes. Plus being able to eat again makes me feel pretty positive. I have never been sick like that before and didn't know just how depressing and hopeless the experience can be.

On the bright side, I'm selling ornaments again on Etsy so check them out!! Just go to Etsy.com and search under sellers for painting4you. Heading off of here to watch some more Grey's Anatomy and paint some cute koala and baby squirrel ornaments.

Appendectomy and Depression

2009-11-12T18:00:00.000-08:00

Well my Thursday night abdominal pain turned into my Friday night appendectomy. It's nearly a week later and I'm still feeling miserably painful. I even went back to the ER yesterday because my surgeon said I shouldn't be hurting this bad still. Blood tests, cat scan, and ultrasound later I'm released with simply post surgical pain. Today was an all-time low for me. My depression sat on me like a heavy boulder. More debts rolled in as I felt less able to work by the second. The terrible rantings of my stressed and depressed brain had finally broken me down. I refused to move myself from the couch because I was absolutely suicidal with depression.

Steve Irwin came on, and I smiled. I watched him dash around the croc enclosure to feed the "salties" barely missing the snapping jaws and sure amputation. His goofy antics and passion for conservation and the general well being of the animals helped me today. Not sure why, but after two of his zoo shows I felt like living again since the appendectomy. I remembered I should do things slowly and one thing at a time. So I wrote my Spanish paper. I have so much more to do, but I just have to do it one little step at a time or it won't get done at all. Thanks crocodile hunter, you were an amazing human being.

2009-09-13T17:59:00.000-07:00

I've been gardening.

A New Semester!

2009-09-04T17:01:00.000-07:00

A whole new chance to fill my brain with knowledge. Most of my classes are rather boring psychology courses but my favorite is mycology! That's right I am taking it for fun. :) Not only do I hope to learn how to prevent the powdery mildew and root fungus I had on the pumpkin plants this year, but I want to be able to identify and understand the crazy little buggers. Mushrooms are truly amazing, and it made me giggle that after a festival in the woods in Michigan the only pictures I came back with were of mushrooms I found on the trails. I will post them soon, in hopes of figuring out what they were.

School and work are taking up most of my time right now, but Maddy (9) has been fishing with me a lot. We recently bought a bounty of new lures and baits and successfully caught a "delicious bass" as Gwen (6) calls them. As always we threw it back watching it dart off into the murky water. Our big goal is to catch a catfish but now I'm a little afraid, hearing they often swallow the bait and have sharp teeth. Yikes.

This weekend I have to make Gwen's Birthday cake, and grill some corn and hot dogs. I have to work some and write a 12-page paper, but will most likely do some serious fishing too. Since it is one of the last weekends of summer we might even put up the tent since Sophie (3) has been begging and begging to sleep in it again. Hopefully it will make for a busy and fun weekend. :)

Multi-tasking Mania

2008-12-21T12:06:00.000-08:00

I have found that lately my music cravings have gone from casual to frenzied! Maybe it is that I am sitting and knitting an owl puppet, after just finishing a kitty-cat hat for my 5-year-old. I need some music of course, but man... I have been searching and searching, adding new favorites faster than I can keep up with. Finding and wearing out new artists like E-603, Metric, and Ghostland Observatory. And I'm continuously adding more sounds like the newly discovered Sia, Erin McCarley, and Vampire Weekend. My brain likes to make music, but I just have too many hobbies to try and satisfy my thirst with hours of clumsy banging on my guitar.

My Christmas presents are coming along, although I am seriously procrastinating on painting the rest of the ornaments. :( But I have some great Grinch ones done, which I am quite pleased with. Well I really should keep on with this puppet, but I have a feeling I will have more to say later.

Beginnings

2008-12-09T16:23:00.000-08:00

Ah to start fresh! Instead of writing my essay on Nietzsche for the Philosophy of Existentialism I am starting a new blog! Although it is very existential to blog; affirming the individual as of the utmost importance. But enough of that!

I am obsessed with medical shows, trivia, and of course the MCAT. Studying should be my middle name, because I actually enjoy laboring over my study guides and facts.

For a job I am a student, I sell things on the internet, and clean houses/businesses. Plus I love to make homemade gifts and crafts. Check out some of my websites and buy at-shirt or something!